am I finally there?

2 years 5 months and 2 weeks.

It is the total time I used to think. Thinking about the missing piece of puzzle of my life. More than 2 years is certainly not a short time but it is not a long one as well.

2 years 5 months and 2 weeks ago was the day when I decided to break up with my ex-girl. She is a tough girl who demands better from the best. She could give me a bigger smile when I smile. She wanted people around to see her at the highest respect. On the other hand, she would not lose some to win more. I had asked myself more than thousand times within 4 years of our relationship if I really love her and want her for life. Did I love her? Yes, but this stayed at the static point for the whole 4 years. Did I want her for life? For the first 4 months, NO because I was cheated. For the next 4 years it decreased from YES to MAY BE to HMM to I'LL GIVE IT A THINK to WE'LL SEE to NO. This ended me to the decision to break up with her. The reason was that she always put me in between me and my family. I waited for years for them to get along together but the toughness of both parties made me mad. The pressure I felt was more than I expected. I did fight for her but it was not doable alone while she had too high pride to lose some and get closer to my family. Funny enough, that is what she expected from me. This was the main reason I broke up but I have never told her this. I put my parents and our religions as the reason. Until today, I believe that she still talked a loads of bad stuffs about me around the world. That doesn't bother me as I just think that it is what I must pay. She can tell anyone anything about me but I can assure that no one really understands what I am doing except myself, not even my best friends.

After breaking up with her, I re-planned my life. Starting slowly. There was no mood to rush for a new girl. I realised the time I spent to know her which was only 2 weeks certainly not enough. Therefore, I had to do it step by step for the new one. Five months I spent to think whether I made the correct decision. Until one day, a friend of mine who is also a friend of hers asked me, "Is there really no love left in you? After that long relationship?". I told her that I broke up 5 months before and I took 5 months to think before I decided so the love I had have faded away, but still I stuck in my mind for few days re-think all what I have done. However, few days after that, I heard a news that my ex-girl had already found a new guy. This convinced me that I made the right decision.

Times ran quickly as I interested to one girl. My day and night was like an imaginary world. Indeed, it was only imaginary as I kept it in myself because she is a wild horse lady which is really difficult to tame. There is something blossoming within me when I talked to her or even read her messages. However, I didn't want to be a fool again. I slowed myself down. I decided to reflect my own soul first. Which pieces of the puzzle that I have been missing? That is the question I have to asked myself.

I have enough friends to see which one I need, although they are not more than the fingers (fingers, not TOES) I have. It was December 2007 when I started to look around. I have a friend who is really tough on me. She dares to scold me and fight me till the end. That's her way to push me up. I have someone who supports me inside out. I have someone who is willing to listen whatever I have. I have a friend who tells me about simplicity. Someone taught me about positive thinking. I have a friend telling me about kindness. I was told the meaning of life by a friend. After all, now I know that the missing piece I need is comfort. I need a piece which can comfort me whenever I need.

I found that piece few days ago when I lost in a miserable feeling. I was in total confusion. There was too much pressure and stress I had to faced. I found someone who could calm me down. I found someone who could make me smile even in a very difficult feeling. This is what I didn't get from my 4 years spell. I am amazed the way she could easily do it. I bet she didn't even realise that she did it. She could swing my mood and make me smile with only one word. However, I don't know, don't even dare to think, whether I could win her heart although I have been admiring her for sometime. If I can win hers one day, it will be a beautiful memories. However, if I couldn't win hers, at least I know which type I need to support my life. Obviously, I have to pay back with a devoted love and life.

The main reason that I write this story is that finally I have really found the type of missing pieces I need. That is someone who can comforts me even only with her smiles.

Tot ziens! (her last word for me)
el dios©